Happy Friday, friends! The recap in a nutshell... What have I been up to anyway?! Did you see Part 1? It was left hanging… so the conclusion… for now anyway... Part 2 ?

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You all have been asking... Where have you been?... What happened?... How's Charlie?... What about photography?... What's with all the yoga?... What happened to Aut2bFit?... Why shift?... Wait, who are you?... Here's a little recap, or in a nutshell, an attempt to answer a few things. 🙂 ... Part 1...

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Oh we are wiser as we grow older, it’s almost a shame, the wisdom, but also the thoughts of, I wish I knew this then….

My son is 17-1/2, turning 18 this year!! *mind-blown. What an amazing trip parenthood is!! If I could talk to that younger self, 17 years ago, there are a few things I wish I could impress upon myself. I really wish I could grab those shoulders, say, "these shoulders will bear so much weight, these arms will do so much heavy lifting, this back with literally & figuratively break…" and you will never trade one milli-second of it for anything, because the love you will see, feel, give, the awe of looking at your child at any age or stage, everything is more than your imagination was or ever will be capable of envisioning…. enjoy every single second of it!

I wish I could have told a few of the doctors or “specialists” not to word things that way, that way that seemed to break me, or at least break my heart for the time being. I wish instead of saying, “all those dreams you have, let them go, they will never come true, your son will never get a drivers license or graduate high school…” *harsh record-scratch… SHUT THE F* UP! What they should have said is, “Who the F* cares if your child is different from the norm?! Who the F* cares if your kid looks different at the playground, plays different, sounds different, is different?! He’s YOUR baby! He’s the same baby you coddled in your womb, the same baby you were in awe to give birth to, the same baby who is the cutest, loveliest, cuddliest, funniest, squishiest, baby that ever existed! He’s the same baby that is the love of your life, and hell-yeah he deserves to be! Forever and always!” So there will be some struggles! Get ready! Let’s set a plan, address some issues… But seriously, parenthood is full of struggles, for everyone! So now, sink into and cherish every single f*ing moment!! Breathe it in!

Squish those chubby cheeks! Kiss them more than they allow! Smile every time your child looks at you and grins! Giggle every time your goofball laughs that belly laugh! Hug every chance you get! Thrill and beam at every little step! Kiss every owie! Love every ounce and every second until your heart explodes! Relish in every moment, we don’t get them back! And F* any one who tries to change it, dampen our awe, diminish our dreams, or put pain into the most beautiful gift any of us can ever be given the opportunity to live... parenthood! Live! Love! Be a mommy/daddy!

And now I go back to a 17-1/2 year-old that slammed the door on me a few times today, oh, but then opened it only to glare and slam it again, should I have missed the word-less intention in the first attempt! I try to kiss him in his sleep, while he isn’t conscious to push me away, only to hear, “Get out” in his sleep! *heart breaks. But I know this is the most normal thing he can do at 17-1/2, exert his independence, become his own man, pull away from mom, push away the arms he gripped and clinged desperately to 14 years ago. I brush away a tear at the thought of those memories and feel proud, yeah, you’re making your own way, you little Sh**head! I will love you and cherish you no matter what!! To the end of the earth!

This last week I finally had my back fixed, or like I was joking, I had my titanium spine installed! The last two years were tough with excruciating pain from herniated and ruptured lumbar discs, fractured vertebrae, fragments of bone and disc floating, two torn annular ligaments, and a pinched compromised L5 root nerve leaving my right leg and foot increasingly weakened with nerve damage. (Not including the torn hip)

Now I have disc implants and a structure of titanium rebuilding my lumbar spine! I was walking with help within 24 hours and came home yesterday! I am SO optimistic for a new lease on life and Kris2.0! I’m actually Bionic-Woman! ?

Dr. Fineman, Raymond Neurosurgery & Spine, and my team of neuro scientists, doctors and nurses at Huntington Hospital were absolutely incredible! There was not a face around me that wasn’t encouraging and smiling and amazingly caring! I couldn’t have been in better hands. But I have to go back to my dear friend @kmassoudi and her neurosurgeon husband Farzad for helping me come to grips with my injuries over the last year, walking me through the process, putting me in touch with super happy patients with this procedure, helping me find my final surgeon, and helping me see I will get my life back!

Don’t worry, guys... so many yoga pictures to come, I think I could do some bionic scorpions now... just give me 6 months to a year ? ... oh, and I might replace some running with golf! I hear this worked well for Tiger! ?? ??

Happy Easter! ??? Happy Passover! Happy Ramadan! I feel especially blessed and grateful this holiday!

I read this joke in one of my books for class yesterday…

"Why should you never buy a vacuum cleaner from a Buddhist? … because it doesn’t have any attachments!!”

Ba-doom-boom! ???

This hits such a chord with me… 1. Because I have really had such a deep interest in Buddhist thought and philosophy since my teens… & 2. because I ended up with a child with autism, who, like quite a few with autism, has such a deep interest in vacuums!! ?…

Which brings me to these thoughts… as a parent of a child with autism or of any disabilities or special needs, one of the hardest struggles is learning that you do not have the child that you dreamt of and planned for… you have a completely different child than you had ever envisioned. You mention an essay to any special-needs parent about “Traveling to Neverland,” (or one of the many variations), and we ALL immediately know what it is… a story of how you dreamt for years of traveling to Italy, read all the guidebooks, planned all the tours, took Italian classes, packed your clothes, got on the plane… and landed in Neverland. It’s a different land, crazy language, you don’t know what the people are doing here, it’s completely unknown, you have all the wrong clothes, are lost, and none of your friends know this place or can relate to where you are!

I felt, the hardest part of those first years of the diagnosis was this, realizing I had to let go. Let go of every idea of parenting and every dream that once was. The point of the Neverland story is that once you let go of your preconceived ideas, all the plans and maybe of the dreams you once had, once you let go of your attachments… you can see truly what is in front of you, and, with open fresh eyes, fall in love with what is… present! I think this would be such a beautiful concept for any parent and child. Can we let go of what our expectations were… tall, blond, playing the piano or a specific sport and excelling at it, or going to a specific college?! What if he hates sports, and doesn’t plan to go to any college?! What if?! Let your child show you who they are, completely separate of any expectation you have, and see how amazing and awe-inspiring that is!

Perhaps the same truth lies in letting go of negative ideas. A few years ago I started using the hashtag #THISisAutism as part of a campaign to show the lighter positive side of living with autism and so I follow it and see all the posts. I’m often saddened by what’s posted. I intended to show an endearing smile at a grandfather, a kid trying to ride the subway for the first time with his companion/aide, finally making a basket, or a huge triumph or achievement! Instead of tantrums, drug trials, and an overkill of chicken nuggets, let’s show the commonalities, the love of Minions or skateboarding with a big brother. We have more that makes us alike than emphasizing our differences. The sad negative stereotyping perpetuates a view others have of autism. Is this really all there is? Of course not! Do they exist? Of course they do! But how can we change perceptions of a daunting disorder if we ourselves cannot let go of our own attachments to the negative?! Perhaps we need to change our own focus, from the negative struggles, which we all have, with or without autism, to the joys, the smiles, the giggles that give us the strength to keep going when things get tough. Perhaps through letting go of our own attachments to thoughts, we will be open to seeing something amazing! Perhaps we will realize new dreams!

Let’s all try to grow from #AutismAwareness to #AutismAcceptance! Happy #Autism-April! & Happy Throwback-Thursday everyone, with a little pic of my vacuum-lover! #tbt

P.S. Sincerely, I do not mean any insult in commenting on anyone tough’s times or posts, we ALL have struggles and bad days…. I just wanted to make a commentary on my philosophy! Namaste.

I recently read a book about our personal “core gifts.” This book tells us that we each have qualities that many of us have been conditioned to believe are faults. Qualities and characteristics that we fight like hell to hide, or cure, or tip-toe around, possibly to only have them explode later demanding their presence be respected.

When I was in fourth grade, my teacher told my mother I was too sensitive and I would have a hard time in the world. My mother, being the mama-bear, quietly but firmly suggested that the world would be a better place with people as sensitive and deep as her child! I was also told on occasion that I was too emotional, taking disappointment with catastrophic importance.

Since then, I have been known to rescue many dogs, cats, a turtle on the side of a street. I walked a horse home, down the driveway on a rope, because I heard he was being sent to a glue factory! I have always had a soft spot for the outcast or forgotten. I feel the need to fight for the misunderstood and abandoned. I have cherished all my friends more than any one else finds “normal.” I have held all my relationships extremely close to my heart, from family-members to a new friend I just met. I also seem to have been a target for bullies, or con-artists, quite possibly because of these qualities of mine. Subsequently, I get hit with situations very deeply. I have thought I feel it way too hard and take forever to “let it go,” as I’m often urged. I take responsibility and accountability in relationships very seriously. I regard feelings with utmost importance. And in recent years, I have learned to accept emotions with as much respect as reasoned thought.

With all of my life’s turmoil and challenges in the last years, I have had grief, struggle, heartbreak, fear, desperation to fight for my child, loneliness, guilt, pain, longing for happiness and lightness, and tons of emotion. I couldn’t help it. I had years of hell I chose to leave behind, along with all of my hopes and dreams. My son was diagnosed with a completely unknown disorder for which I was told, you will never have the child you dreamt of. I lost my job, I was struggling just to make it… and then my dad died. Yeah, I was dealing with some stuff!

I didn’t know how to respond to much of what I was coping with. I lost quite a few friends. Perhaps I was too much to deal with. Perhaps people just didn’t know what to say to me out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Perhaps the simple greeting “How are you” was a land-mine waiting to be stepped on. Perhaps they were nervous to speak about my son and autism. Perhaps they were afraid to include us in their activities. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I don’t think I knew how to offer any of myself as a friend during that time. Unfortunately, the outcome was… more heartbreak. And I was then told I was too sensitive.

But… I have also strengthened the bonds with many friends and gained a few new ones. Some get it and understand, even if they can’t possibly grasp what I’m going through; it doesn’t matter. Some just suggest lunch, or a bike ride, old laughs, a simple moment away from my struggle. Thank you so much, dear ones, for just being by me.

I can’t imagine feeling or reacting any other way than how I did. We don’t know how to handle trauma, pain, hardship, diagnoses, grief, until it hits us square in the face. We can’t blame anyone for feeling their own emotions. We cannot plan or prepare for these trials and feelings that arise. We can’t blame anyone for going through struggle or grief in their own unique way. And we can’t fault anyone for healing in their own journey.

I may be sensitive, but I am empathetic and I now see this is a gift that will be cherished by those on the receiving end and by those meant to be in my life. I am still sad that I lost those friendships, I feel it over the holidays when memories come up. I miss them. But I live and I learn and I now honor, not feel fault or shame at, how I’ve handled my pain and my path. I am no longer apologizing for myself and everything I’ve been through. I honor it. It is my journey, and all of its baggage in tow, my gift. I have heard, “the only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” I cherish my dear friends. Know that I will stand by your side, if or when you have life’s “stuff” to deal with. We will always have each other, even if I can’t totally grasp what you are coping with. Friendship.

I always say, Charlie “is perfect, in all his imperfections.”
Years ago, someone asked me, “Why can you not give yourself that same kindness?” I think I am now beginning to. All the quirks, all the pain, all the traits I considered difficult, they are mine. I guess it is my time to look at Life Through the Other Lens.

“Only when we know our darkness well, can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we realize our shared community.” -Pema Chodron

Oh, and… thanks Mom, for sticking up for me, in fourth grade, and countlesss other times!!!!

I don’t usually like to talk about things, deep things, never dark things. I talk about my son, with awe at his achievement. I have some Nordic genetic defect which inhibits me from displaying private moments or showing such “weakness!” Haha! But I thought I would share this… Twelve years ago, I ended my volatile marriage with an even worse, tumultuous, horrendous long divorce. 2 months after I walked out of that house, my baby was diagnosed with autism. I had already lost my job (with everything going on personally and the recession), and I felt my only option was to start my own business, in the midst of all of my life turmoil. I struggled, to survive, to manage, to stay sane, somewhat. My dad was such a rock, such a support, a best friend to my son, always saying to me, “You got this, Babe!” But he got progressively sick over those years, and three years ago at Thanksgiving, he fell and a stay at the hospital turned out to be a brain cancer diagnosis. He died three weeks later. I never thought I would be one of those people that felt the holidays were hard. I love holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas especially! My dad was the heart of every celebration, he had a Santa tie and suspenders for each big festive dinner, which were many. He welcomed anyone and everyone for the holidays and filled the house with his music. They say a soul picks the time they pass on. I can see that my dad chose his. I don’t want to make Thanksgiving and Christmas sad, for that reason alone. I want to celebrate. I want to continue in his spirit, we even tried to cook his stuffing this year. And yet, grief has snuck up on me. I am learning a lot about respecting our individual gifts; the hardships and trials we face and the emotions and wisdom that are born from them. And so… I am going to try to accept the sorrow, open the door to it, not hide it, I will honor it… and see how it chooses to either linger or move on. I hope like any good houseguest it doesn't overstay its welcome.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."

-Vicki Harrison  

Ice skating... soccer... mini-golf... horse-back riding! Wow, we had fun!