I recently read a book about our personal “core gifts.” This book tells us that we each have qualities that many of us have been conditioned to believe are faults. Qualities and characteristics that we fight like hell to hide, or cure, or tip-toe around, possibly to only have them explode later demanding their presence be respected.
When I was in fourth grade, my teacher told my mother I was too sensitive and I would have a hard time in the world. My mother, being the mama-bear, quietly but firmly suggested that the world would be a better place with people as sensitive and deep as her child! I was also told on occasion that I was too emotional, taking disappointment with catastrophic importance.
Since then, I have been known to rescue many dogs, cats, a turtle on the side of a street. I walked a horse home, down the driveway on a rope, because I heard he was being sent to a glue factory! I have always had a soft spot for the outcast or forgotten. I feel the need to fight for the misunderstood and abandoned. I have cherished all my friends more than any one else finds “normal.” I have held all my relationships extremely close to my heart, from family-members to a new friend I just met. I also seem to have been a target for bullies, or con-artists, quite possibly because of these qualities of mine. Subsequently, I get hit with situations very deeply. I have thought I feel it way too hard and take forever to “let it go,” as I’m often urged. I take responsibility and accountability in relationships very seriously. I regard feelings with utmost importance. And in recent years, I have learned to accept emotions with as much respect as reasoned thought.
With all of my life’s turmoil and challenges in the last years, I have had grief, struggle, heartbreak, fear, desperation to fight for my child, loneliness, guilt, pain, longing for happiness and lightness, and tons of emotion. I couldn’t help it. I had years of hell I chose to leave behind, along with all of my hopes and dreams. My son was diagnosed with a completely unknown disorder for which I was told, you will never have the child you dreamt of. I lost my job, I was struggling just to make it… and then my dad died. Yeah, I was dealing with some stuff!
I didn’t know how to respond to much of what I was coping with. I lost quite a few friends. Perhaps I was too much to deal with. Perhaps people just didn’t know what to say to me out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Perhaps the simple greeting “How are you” was a land-mine waiting to be stepped on. Perhaps they were nervous to speak about my son and autism. Perhaps they were afraid to include us in their activities. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I don’t think I knew how to offer any of myself as a friend during that time. Unfortunately, the outcome was… more heartbreak. And I was then told I was too sensitive.
But… I have also strengthened the bonds with many friends and gained a few new ones. Some get it and understand, even if they can’t possibly grasp what I’m going through; it doesn’t matter. Some just suggest lunch, or a bike ride, old laughs, a simple moment away from my struggle. Thank you so much, dear ones, for just being by me.
I can’t imagine feeling or reacting any other way than how I did. We don’t know how to handle trauma, pain, hardship, diagnoses, grief, until it hits us square in the face. We can’t blame anyone for feeling their own emotions. We cannot plan or prepare for these trials and feelings that arise. We can’t blame anyone for going through struggle or grief in their own unique way. And we can’t fault anyone for healing in their own journey.
I may be sensitive, but I am empathetic and I now see this is a gift that will be cherished by those on the receiving end and by those meant to be in my life. I am still sad that I lost those friendships, I feel it over the holidays when memories come up. I miss them. But I live and I learn and I now honor, not feel fault or shame at, how I’ve handled my pain and my path. I am no longer apologizing for myself and everything I’ve been through. I honor it. It is my journey, and all of its baggage in tow, my gift. I have heard, “the only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” I cherish my dear friends. Know that I will stand by your side, if or when you have life’s “stuff” to deal with. We will always have each other, even if I can’t totally grasp what you are coping with. Friendship.
I always say, Charlie “is perfect, in all his imperfections.”
Years ago, someone asked me, “Why can you not give yourself that same kindness?” I think I am now beginning to. All the quirks, all the pain, all the traits I considered difficult, they are mine. I guess it is my time to look at Life Through the Other Lens.
“Only when we know our darkness well, can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we realize our shared community.” -Pema Chodron
Oh, and… thanks Mom, for sticking up for me, in fourth grade, and countlesss other times!!!!
