Happy Friday, friends! The recap in a nutshell... What have I been up to anyway?! Did you see Part 1? It was left hanging… so the conclusion… for now anyway... Part 2 ?

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You all have been asking... Where have you been?... What happened?... How's Charlie?... What about photography?... What's with all the yoga?... What happened to Aut2bFit?... Why shift?... Wait, who are you?... Here's a little recap, or in a nutshell, an attempt to answer a few things. 🙂 ... Part 1...

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Oh we are wiser as we grow older, it’s almost a shame, the wisdom, but also the thoughts of, I wish I knew this then….

My son is 17-1/2, turning 18 this year!! *mind-blown. What an amazing trip parenthood is!! If I could talk to that younger self, 17 years ago, there are a few things I wish I could impress upon myself. I really wish I could grab those shoulders, say, "these shoulders will bear so much weight, these arms will do so much heavy lifting, this back with literally & figuratively break…" and you will never trade one milli-second of it for anything, because the love you will see, feel, give, the awe of looking at your child at any age or stage, everything is more than your imagination was or ever will be capable of envisioning…. enjoy every single second of it!

I wish I could have told a few of the doctors or “specialists” not to word things that way, that way that seemed to break me, or at least break my heart for the time being. I wish instead of saying, “all those dreams you have, let them go, they will never come true, your son will never get a drivers license or graduate high school…” *harsh record-scratch… SHUT THE F* UP! What they should have said is, “Who the F* cares if your child is different from the norm?! Who the F* cares if your kid looks different at the playground, plays different, sounds different, is different?! He’s YOUR baby! He’s the same baby you coddled in your womb, the same baby you were in awe to give birth to, the same baby who is the cutest, loveliest, cuddliest, funniest, squishiest, baby that ever existed! He’s the same baby that is the love of your life, and hell-yeah he deserves to be! Forever and always!” So there will be some struggles! Get ready! Let’s set a plan, address some issues… But seriously, parenthood is full of struggles, for everyone! So now, sink into and cherish every single f*ing moment!! Breathe it in!

Squish those chubby cheeks! Kiss them more than they allow! Smile every time your child looks at you and grins! Giggle every time your goofball laughs that belly laugh! Hug every chance you get! Thrill and beam at every little step! Kiss every owie! Love every ounce and every second until your heart explodes! Relish in every moment, we don’t get them back! And F* any one who tries to change it, dampen our awe, diminish our dreams, or put pain into the most beautiful gift any of us can ever be given the opportunity to live... parenthood! Live! Love! Be a mommy/daddy!

And now I go back to a 17-1/2 year-old that slammed the door on me a few times today, oh, but then opened it only to glare and slam it again, should I have missed the word-less intention in the first attempt! I try to kiss him in his sleep, while he isn’t conscious to push me away, only to hear, “Get out” in his sleep! *heart breaks. But I know this is the most normal thing he can do at 17-1/2, exert his independence, become his own man, pull away from mom, push away the arms he gripped and clinged desperately to 14 years ago. I brush away a tear at the thought of those memories and feel proud, yeah, you’re making your own way, you little Sh**head! I will love you and cherish you no matter what!! To the end of the earth!

I read this joke in one of my books for class yesterday…

"Why should you never buy a vacuum cleaner from a Buddhist? … because it doesn’t have any attachments!!”

Ba-doom-boom! ???

This hits such a chord with me… 1. Because I have really had such a deep interest in Buddhist thought and philosophy since my teens… & 2. because I ended up with a child with autism, who, like quite a few with autism, has such a deep interest in vacuums!! ?…

Which brings me to these thoughts… as a parent of a child with autism or of any disabilities or special needs, one of the hardest struggles is learning that you do not have the child that you dreamt of and planned for… you have a completely different child than you had ever envisioned. You mention an essay to any special-needs parent about “Traveling to Neverland,” (or one of the many variations), and we ALL immediately know what it is… a story of how you dreamt for years of traveling to Italy, read all the guidebooks, planned all the tours, took Italian classes, packed your clothes, got on the plane… and landed in Neverland. It’s a different land, crazy language, you don’t know what the people are doing here, it’s completely unknown, you have all the wrong clothes, are lost, and none of your friends know this place or can relate to where you are!

I felt, the hardest part of those first years of the diagnosis was this, realizing I had to let go. Let go of every idea of parenting and every dream that once was. The point of the Neverland story is that once you let go of your preconceived ideas, all the plans and maybe of the dreams you once had, once you let go of your attachments… you can see truly what is in front of you, and, with open fresh eyes, fall in love with what is… present! I think this would be such a beautiful concept for any parent and child. Can we let go of what our expectations were… tall, blond, playing the piano or a specific sport and excelling at it, or going to a specific college?! What if he hates sports, and doesn’t plan to go to any college?! What if?! Let your child show you who they are, completely separate of any expectation you have, and see how amazing and awe-inspiring that is!

Perhaps the same truth lies in letting go of negative ideas. A few years ago I started using the hashtag #THISisAutism as part of a campaign to show the lighter positive side of living with autism and so I follow it and see all the posts. I’m often saddened by what’s posted. I intended to show an endearing smile at a grandfather, a kid trying to ride the subway for the first time with his companion/aide, finally making a basket, or a huge triumph or achievement! Instead of tantrums, drug trials, and an overkill of chicken nuggets, let’s show the commonalities, the love of Minions or skateboarding with a big brother. We have more that makes us alike than emphasizing our differences. The sad negative stereotyping perpetuates a view others have of autism. Is this really all there is? Of course not! Do they exist? Of course they do! But how can we change perceptions of a daunting disorder if we ourselves cannot let go of our own attachments to the negative?! Perhaps we need to change our own focus, from the negative struggles, which we all have, with or without autism, to the joys, the smiles, the giggles that give us the strength to keep going when things get tough. Perhaps through letting go of our own attachments to thoughts, we will be open to seeing something amazing! Perhaps we will realize new dreams!

Let’s all try to grow from #AutismAwareness to #AutismAcceptance! Happy #Autism-April! & Happy Throwback-Thursday everyone, with a little pic of my vacuum-lover! #tbt

P.S. Sincerely, I do not mean any insult in commenting on anyone tough’s times or posts, we ALL have struggles and bad days…. I just wanted to make a commentary on my philosophy! Namaste.

Ice skating... soccer... mini-golf... horse-back riding! Wow, we had fun!

A few years ago, a toddler Charlie would not even go near paint, the texture, the stick, the smell, was just too much for his heightened senses! Having been an artist my whole life, this was a little disappointing. I have this idea we'd be standing at side-by-side easels one day. Well, here we are a few years later, and Charlie is channeling his inner Picasso, or maybe Pollack, or Tin Guely! I'm thrilled! And Charlie is in his element, stick, goo, smell, and all! Rachel, Charlie's art teacher is amazing!! She really knows how to teach kids like Charlie!

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